I started this blog in 2019 with the sole purpose of talking about a terrible relationship I had in 2011, but at the time I couldn’t see that relationship or the things my boyfriend did for what they really were, abusive. Now that I do, I am going to talk about that relationship and one of the reasons why I think emotional abuse and rape are often dismissed. *TW* I will be talking about sexual assault.
The emotional abuse
C, as I will call him, found me online through his brother, J. I am convinced that the only reason C contacted me was because J told him about our brief online relationship in which I gave him $500 dollars. I quickly learned that C liked to play the victim, using his seizure disability and past traumas to gain sympathy from me. He told me he didn’t have any money because the people he rented a room from took his entire disability check for room and board. I ended up paying for everything and I even gave him $200 dollars to help him out once. This was also the reason he couldn’t give out any food or drinks, which is why when he sat there drinking an ice-cold Pepsi in front of me on a hot summer day, he couldn’t give me one. ( He did give me a glass of warm tap water once.) I ended up having to bring my own food and drinks. He also made me afraid to say or do anything by constantly telling me about all the friends he had that would hurt anyone who hurt him and introducing me to his sisters who he told me would do the same. This ended up making me afraid to break up with him even when I was absolutely miserable and wanted out. When he wasn’t getting what he wanted or I seemed upset, he would lovebomb me. He would hug me (which is the only time he ever did) and tell me he loved me and wanted to marry me and have a baby. I remember him doing this the one time I denied him when he wanted to have sex in public. He made sure that our relationship revolved around him, leaving me to feel used and worthless. I remember hearing him brag to the guy he rented the room from one of the times I visited, saying “Yeah, I’m getting mine.” I have never felt so terrible in my life.
The sexual abuse
C was never physically violent, but he did sexually abuse me. I was a virgin with no sexual experiences other than kissing when we decided it was time to meet in person. We had only known each other for two weeks and only talked online and on the phone. While we did agree to stay in the motel room together and share a bed, there had been no discussion of us being any kind of intimate when we planned this meeting. It was a very hot summer day when I drove down in a car with no working a/c. After driving 4 hours in the heat, I didn’t feel well and when I got there I just wanted to cool down in the motel room.
Once we finally got in the room I plopped down on one of the beds. He turned on the a/c and joined me. He then told me he couldn’t sit in bed without being under the sheet, so he pulled it up over us. There are a lot of gaps in my memory. I can’t remember how things started, or how my pants ended up off. I just remember he started doing things to me under the sheet without really ever asking, and at one point told me he was going to rub his “stuff” on my “stuff”. He eventually asked me “Do you just want me to put it in?” I told him, “No I don’t want to.” when he asked again, I told him, “No I’m not ready.”
Realizing he wasn’t going to stop and leave me alone, I finally said, “Ok just do it.”, and I just laid there doing whatever he told me to while he had sex with me. The second time it was the same, I told him no at first and then gave in when he wouldn’t stop. The last time he slept with me I didn’t even bother to say no, I just gave in. He told me right away he didn’t snuggle or cuddle. I don’t remember him ever holding my hand, or putting an arm around me. He only kissed me when he wanted sex, and that’s all he ever wanted.
Why
I’m calling this section “why” because that relationship is the “why” behind a lot of things in my life, like why I haven’t dated since I was 32 and why I get upset seeing happy couples. It’s the reason for a lot of my emotional struggles and it is a major contributor to my depression, but I don’t want to talk about that. What I really want to talk about are the big questions, like Why is this type of abuse often dismissed and why is rape not always acknowledged? It’s because despite having the internet there is still a serious lack of information out there. I couldn’t find stories like mine when I was searching the internet trying to figure out if I had been raped or not, and what I did find didn’t quite fit. The same can be said about emotional abuse, when I did searches for that articles did come up but they only touch the tip of the iceberg. This isn’t because people aren’t doing their homework when writing these, it’s because a lot of people don’t want to share their stories so writers have to work with what they can find. Not finding stories like mine or articles that mentioned things I went through made me think I was wrong about being raped and abused. This is why I keep telling my story, to bring more awareness so that the next person searching for answers will find them.
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Love and Blessings, Carrie